People ask me all the time, “ Sohail, why don’t you have a girlfriend?” (Alright, no-one ever asks me that, but bear with me anyway).This question is the inspiration of this blog.
So here we begin , Ever stay up late nights, wondering why it is you cannot find female companionship? Ever think that maybe, just maybe, if you haven't been able to score after ALL these years, that something is wrong with you? Well, something is wrong with you. You should have realized that while you were crying yourself to sleep. Can't decipher why you seem to repel the female species? Well here's a little guide I've compiled of the most probably reasons.
1.You have hitherto been single
Women can sense this. If you have been single for too long, you give off certain pheromones, that girls can detect, and are alerted by. They probably can’t put their finger on it, but they sense something is wrong. If you have never had a girlfriend, oh boy, are you in it DEEP. The sensation they get is so strong that they can barely stand next to you and have a conversation. They say “hi” awkwardly when introduced, and then look away completely disinterestedly, and pretty much ignore anything else you have to say or give you an exasperated smile and then continue looking away. You then spend the rest of the night at the bar. The pheromones collect around you and saturate, making it impossible for a girl to even come near you, or for you to approach another girl.
2.You are poor
Yes , This is for real .If you are the person whose wallet is as thick as a malnourished kid in Uganda , then your chances of getting a girlfriend is equivalent to the chances of India gettting a permanent seat in UNSC . You have seen all those bollywood movies where the rich girl leaves all his Dad’s possession to marry a poor guy.Then it’s time for some reality check , That shit just don’t happen . I mean its so obvious , Who on earth in their sane mind will prefer a share auto ride to a ride in SUV, unless they are some tourist or goddamn Hippies .
Girls are like a gold digging machine , Some of you might say its too harsh . I would say , You haven’t met the right one yet. So for your own good , screw the idea of getting a girl and focus on "How am I gonna pay the rent ? ".
3.Your taste in music
Yes you listen to Linkin Park.Oh, you know all the lyrics. Many a time at a pub you have impersonated Chester screaming your lungs out, and when you forget the lyrics, you just take a sip of your beer to cover it up. Who do you think you’re fooling? Yes, you’ve got the Iron Maiden tracks down, you have a Sepultura t-shirt (does anyone even listen to that band?). You make the “devil horns” everytime you hear Comfortably Numb, even though its not really a “devils horns” kind of song. But growing up in school you used to collect Backstreet Boys albums. You even listened to Britney Spears. You still have a thing for Blue and keep an Enrique CD under your pillow. How much more of a wannabe can you be? Is it not bad enough that you are in still in love with Britney, post the whole Kevin Federline and bald head thing? You have that stupid Celine Dion song from Titanic as a ringtone? Girls can sense this pseudo-manliness on a guy like a pit viper can sense heat. You make me sick.
Of course, if you never were such a wuss at heart, and truly are a fan of the greats- Hendrix, Clapton (Cream, or solo), Sabbath, Iron Maiden, Linkin Park, even the Bizkit- you’re still no better off. What girl wants a guy who listens to that gross band Iron Maiden?! Ewww!! Alter Bridge is so gross!! Yawck! AC-DC is gross!! How can you listen to that Sytem Of Down, its just “jhing jhang jhing” and cursing!.
So, Either you forget about getting a girlfriend or start listening to Justin Bieber .
4.You are in love with football
How can a girl even attempt to give herself to you when you are in love with 11 other guys? Not to mention the subs, the manager, and the youth team… And that’s not all, you have to give your time for 19 other teams. And that’s just one league. Then there are about 10 other leagues across the world, plus the National Teams that require your attention. Its not enough to just watch the match and be happy- no effing way! You have to discuss and debate why your team is better than the others, even if they lost. You have to discuss and debate which team deserved to win which cup, how and why, the up and coming players, the established stars, manager switches and player transfers, market conditions, dressing room squabbles… are you getting the picture? What girl has a tolerance for that? Especially when she has to take a backseat to your beloved football?
So while you are glued to the screen, the girl is…? Well, she’s wondering why she is wasting her time with you. “Go and marry Ronaldo if you love him so much!” she will say, and disappear in a puff of glitter and very aromatic scent.
5.You think you are a “Dude”
You know if I am talking to you. You think you are a “Dude”. You speak and curse in English, always. In a slightly accented voice. God knows where you picked up the accent. You only watch Star World and Star Movies, HBO, Zee Café, and VH1, because anything else is just so uncool.
You say and type “ Ma” in place of “My”.Seriously is this some faux attempt at proving your love for your mother or did your priest make you miss grammar classes during Kinder garten ? The word is “My” , You Jerk ! Repeat after me . “MY”.
You don’t laugh at a joke . You “LOL” .Why the fuck can’t you laugh at a joke . Its not a bloody chatroom where you pretend to be a MIT grad trying to hook up with some random slut.
You always show your boxers beneath the jeans. Seriously , Pull those freaking pants up.Girls don’t care if you are wearing Rupa or Jockey , neither do they want to see your “ GRAND CANYON”.
You wear a Che Guevera T-Shirt and the only thing you know about him is that he was the dude from the Motorcycle Diaries.Even if you know who he was , girls don’t have a slightest clue . So either way , You can’t win .
Women can see through this brittle veneer, this foolish facade, this pathetic masquerade. You are not a “Dude” , You are a Dork (See no 6). Get real. It’s just a word. Watching Star World doesn’t turn you into a “hep” individual, nor does it by some divine grace endow you with “Dudability”. Nor will your style of clothes or amount of gel or deo on your body impress ANYONE. But hey, at least your mom thinks you’re cool. Probably.
6.You are a dork
If you like, or have ever liked, Star Wars, Dragon Ball Z, Pokemon,Naruto and you know the rich history behind these things, in and out, you are in trouble. If you have so much as read the Lord Of The Rings and can recall the different names of each character, its no good for you. Lets face it: you are a dork. You exude geekiness , you exemplify nerdiness. So you know (or knew) all the Pokemon and all their powers? You have followed Goku’s journey to become the greatest Sayain in the universe? Do you know the different kinds of Jedi and why Siths have a red lightsaber? Can you tell me how a lightsaber works (its plasma enclosed in a magnetic field)? Alas, do you wish you were a wizard or space pirate?
You reek of dorkiness. And girls can sense this also. No matter how “cool” you think it makes you when you discuss knowledgeably of the lore and events before the great War Of The Ring, all she can see is a pimply faced, pale skinned, bifocal wearing, skinny dork. It doesn’t even matter if you wear glasses or not- this is the feeling she will get. For women can sense the “dork vibes” and are immediately turned off. Even if you don’t display a love of these very dorky things in your social life (assuming you can make time for one, what with you learning Sindarin or Klingon), she can feel these things like a disturbance in the Force (sheesh, some people just can’t turn the dork off) and will be irrevocably repelled.
No woman wants to be with a dork. Make no mistake about it. Do not believe the Hollywood films where the highschool dweeb ends up with the Homecoming Queen. That shit just doesn’t happen in real life. No girl want to be with someone so low on the social ladder. They do not want to end up with such a guy, its just bad natural selection. This, among many other instinctual deciders, are merely in addition to the image she has of you (said above). If you don’t believe me, you are fooling yourself. And if you think your Level 34 Wizard can defeat my Level 37 Lightning Mage, you are smoking weed. Now roll the 12-faced dice and make your move lest the Dungeon Master throw us out.
7.You are just lame
Last but not least. If you don't fit in any of the above categories, then this is probably for you. Why else can't you get a girl?
Well, there you have it. I'm not sure what my intentions were, if I had any... but maybe you'll sleep better at least.
